Many parents see schools as "bossy" or "interfering" when they tell them what they can and cannot put in their children's lunch box, Ofsted warns.
Instead parents in England wanted more advice on how to prepare healthier packed lunches, inspectors said.
They said heads often felt uneasy about issuing edicts on lunch boxes.
Inspectors also say some families who are on low incomes but are not eligible for free school meals are struggling to afford school dinners.
And they found some secondary schools in England still used systems which made pupils receiving free school meals readily identifiable.
Inspectors visited 39 primary, secondary and special schools in England between September 2009 and January 2010 to see how they were getting the healthy eating message across.
They found more primary than secondary schools complied with the standards set out for school lunches.
In primaries, the guideline most often not met was the requirement to provide a piece of fruit for every pupil eating a school lunch.
In secondaries, the standard most often not met were those restricting meat products, deep-fried foods and starchy foods cooked in oil.
Inspectors said schools' healthy eating policies could be undermined when pupils brought in unhealthy packed lunches.
While some schools brought in rules on lunch boxes, others were uncomfortable with this.
"Some of the head teachers spoken to were reluctant to do this because they did not think that they should tell parents what to do and did not wish to be patronising," the report said.
"Where consultation with families had been poor or where information had not been worded sensitively, parents saw the school as being 'interfering' and 'bossy' and reacted against the advice.
"Many of the parents with whom inspectors held discussions said that, rather than being told what not to give their children, they wanted more guidance on how to prepare a healthy and balanced packed lunch."
Source: Food Standards Agency
"Healthy" lunchbox should contain a starchy carbohydrate, ideally wholegrain bread, protein such as meat/fish/cheese, fruit and vegetables, a milk or dairy food
"Unhealthy food" lunchbox contains confectionery, food with added salt/fat/sugar, deep-fried food or processed meats, sweet, fizzy drinks
The report - Food in Schools - found most of the schools surveyed had come up with ways of increasing the uptake of school meals and free school meals.
But it found some of the secondaries were not doing enough to prevent children entitled to free school meals being singled out.
"Five of the 16 secondary schools still had systems where those entitled to free school meals could be readily identified by their peers," it said.
The report reveals concerns that parents who are on low incomes but are not eligible for free school meals (FSM) are struggling to find the money to pay for their children to be fed at school.
In one case, two children from one family had to take it in turns to have lunch, it says.
Children are eligible for FSM if their families receive benefits or have an annual income of less than £16,040.
The report says: "A more difficult area to tackle for the schools and authorities visited was the take-up of school meals by families whose income was low but who were above the threshold for being entitled to free school meals."
It adds: "Parents from these families told inspectors that they often could not afford to pay for a school lunch, especially if they had more than one child."
Inspectors found "the most significant and consistent weakness" was schools' monitoring of the food they provided and the impact it was having on pupils.
"A major weakness in the schools visited was the lack of monitoring of provision to ensure that the school food standards were fully met," inspectors said.
"Governors were often unaware of their responsibilities in this respect."
Read some of your comments below
I think that the advice my children's school (or rather the county council) sends out about healthy lunches is fine. It's just a shame that they don't follow it in practice with the school meals. When my children come home and tell me they had pizza, mashed potato and pasta followed by cake and custard, I really don't see how that follows the guidelines for healthy lunchboxes or the menu that is sent out each term.
It is all well and good giving lunch box ideas, but unfortunately the schools do not have facilities for the storage of lunches at a safe temperature! Fruit does not like being stored in a sweaty bag in a really warm corridor, it turn to mush and the children will not eat it, so they go without. Salad ends us limp lifeless and unappetizing, you can't blame the kids for not wanting to eat it, I wouldn't.
We as teachers of children can only do our best in the short space of time we have them in our care. I feel it should be the parent's decision what the child eats, otherwise who knows where it would stop? Do schools then have to cook a meal before going home - a little OTT perhaps but it is the parent's judgment to let their children eat things, not ours.
Many schools restrict the choices available to children entitled to free school meals. This is not only humiliating but often removes the healthier options - presumably because they are more expensive.
When I was a parent governor at a primary, I was always concerned about schools attempting to dictate to parents how to bring up their children. Schools exist to educate children, not to dictate their diet. Of course, information about healthy eating is part of the educational message, but it is not right that schools should attempt to enforce eating habits. Parents bring up their children, schools educate children. This distinction should always be clear.
I remember when the school my stepdaughter attends sent letters round telling, not asking, parents to send only healthy foods in for lunch. It later transpired that a couple of weeks later they gained a certificate for healthy eating and shortly after all the rules were lapsed once it was received.
The primary school my son attends has worked very hard in increasing the uptake of school meals. If the school provides plenty of opportunities for children to eat healthily, I don't think they can start to dictate to parents. At the end of the day it is still the parent's responsibility.
If I send my child to school with a lunch box that I feel is balanced and correct for my child, I don't see why the school should challenge that. My child's school gets the balance right - guidance but not rules. It is my decision what to feed my child.
I have always given my children a healthy, balanced lunch box and included raw vegetables, fruit, proteins and carbohydrates. I do, however, feel very strongly when our head teacher says there is to be no chocolate, biscuits, crisps or sweets. Yet when the school meal menu arrives at home it always includes icecream, chips, sweet pies and puddings. I do not believe that children should be deprived of small quantities of sweets and chocolates - if you do this then in later life children will gorge on all the things they were denied as a child.
I think schools should have stricter rules on what can and cannot be put in a lunchbox and also reinforce it. Our school has rules about chocolate, sweets and fizzy drinks, but not about crisps, which I think are equally bad. I cannot see the problem with setting rules, they do tell you what to wear, why not tell you what to eat, at least for the last one is a good reason!
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